Sunday, May 28, 2017

An Open Letter to the Man I Pushed Away

First off, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I want to scream it from a mountain top. I want to curl up at your feet and beg you to forgive me! I want to tell you a million times until you realize that I am sincere, but I cannot say it enough. I can’t find the words to tell you how much I wish I could go back and do everything all over again. Even then, would you believe me? I messed up and I know that. In trying to keep from hurting myself, I hurt you and that was wrong. I’ve spent every day of the last few months regretting what I did. I thought that time would take away the guilt and regret, but at the end of the day, I still hate myself for losing you.

You were something different. You came into my world unannounced. It all started with an innocent conversation and the next thing I knew I was spending most of my precious spare moments of free time with you. And the crazy thing is, I liked it. I liked that you were easy to talk to. I liked that you were comforting and understanding when I was stressed or busy. Most of all, I liked that you wanted to have a presence in my life. But soon, all the things I liked began to hoover over me like dark clouds.

In all honesty, I was afraid. I was afraid that you might make me happy, and then change your mind and leave me broken and hurt. I started trying to think of ways to slow down the pace; ways to keep my feelings at bay. I rationalized that I didn’t want a relationship because I was moving, because I was focused on my career, because I didn’t want anyone to hold me back or because I didn’t have the time to fully commit to someone and that wouldn’t be fair.

You were so good to me. Nicer than anyone has ever been. I was so afraid that it was all an act. I thought it was a show to gain my affections. I was afraid of being a rebound. I didn’t want to be a stepping stone that you would leave once you had your balance back.

Losing you was hard. At first, I didn’t even realize what I had done. How do you lose someone you never had? I pushed so hard, but I never realized how much it would hurt when you walked away. I hurt you in the process of trying to save myself.

Although you still care, I know that I broke your trust. You won’t be letting your guard down anytime soon. I take full responsibility and I know that it is all my fault. I wish that I could confess everything and tell you how I feel, but the truth is that I don’t know how. I’m still afraid, but this time it’s because I don’t know what I would do if I told you everything and you didn’t say a word. I’m stuck with the haunted memories of a stranger who I should have loved when I had the chance.